Life is unfair, people are unfair! People just leave…they leave us all broken in all sorts of weird ways. We are left behind with disillusion, regret, pain, loss and grief, yet the hardest part are not the feelings whe are left with but overcoming them.
Some of us need to talk about them, others might want to deal with them all alone while there are people who need to be surrounded by friends and family at all time, can’t stand one second of loneliness, they occupy their time and their mind with anything at all just so they can forget. I am the one that deals with them alone, I can’t and won’t talk about these feelings, I guess that’s the reason I write; I’ve always felt that people judge you and think you’r weak if they see you cry; but I wonder how else can you go trough pain without tears?!
They say time heels every wound yet it seems like the wounds hurt more with each day that passes; it’s been 3 months to the day since he left us and I still feel like he’s gonna walk trough the door.
We’ve had our ups and downs but weirdly enough I can only remember the good; he loved life and people, he had such a crazy sense of humor, I guess that’s where I got mine…children adored him ‘cause he would do anything they wanted. Mom would always be so nagging about eating and taking our medicine if we where sick or drinking enough water, we would always make fun of her, she never found it funny but we laughed like crazy. The sickness didn’t change all that, it only made him weak physically, the jokes and the laughter where still there until the end.
My mom stayed in the hospital with him when I came home from visting, I called her to say that I’ve arrived safely yet my dad answered her phone…I think I was suposed to talk to him that night but I didn’t realise it until now.
I paused…a few seconds of silence to gather my taughts, I felt like crying without knowing why, maybe somehow I knew that was gonna be the last time I talked to him.
I paused…I wanted to tell him „Dad, I love you” instead I said ” Well, good night dad”. His response had stuck with me cause it was the last time he would tell me this ” Be good and take care of yourself”
I hung up the phone and taught: „I’ll tell him tomorrow when I’ll see him”; and this was my only taught until my mom called me, 20 minutes later…
There was no tomorrow for my dad…there where no more tomorrows for him, no tomorrow for his little girl to tell him she loves him despite of everything…