She entered the room silently, sat on the couch as always; it was her spot, her place to feel safe
– Hello, Angela. It’s good to see you. How are you today?
It was a gentle, warm voice, welcoming and comforting.
– I’m good, how about you? Missed me? she giggled.
– Well I haven’t seen you in a week. You know I expect to see you twice a week. So how are things?
– Everything’s great! she said excited. I’ve been so busy this week, I had a wonderful time. I finally got out of the house, just like you said, went for a walk, I’ve seen old friends…everyone’s so happy. Things are good. Did you know summer was my favourite season . Everything is better during summer, wouldn’t you agree?
– Angela; he paused with a serious voice, looking straight into those hazel eyes; how was your week?
She seemed confused, unsure of her own previous answer, she had the feeling this was a trap of some sort.
– Common, Angela, you know you’re safe here. It’s just you and no one else.
Her hands started to shake uncontrollably, she felt like a cheater just caught in the act. Should she tell him? But he will be pissed and punish her again. She taught she was so believable, she even smiled. How did he know? No one else knew, no one, she fooled everyone else. It was obvious he knew, he had to, he just knew her.
– You must be wondering how do I know. I know you Angela, there’s no need to hide in here and you know that. Your eyes look so lost, there’s no life in them, I see nothing Angela, nothing, only emptiness, it’s quite scary. So talk to me Angela…
She panicked, thinking others might have seen it to. It was her secret, her biggest secret ever, was he reading her mind? How could he see right trough her, he’s reading her like an open book.
– Is that really what you see?? she asked in shock then took a long pause as if she needed to gather her strength to continue. – Have you ever felt like you’re done? Done with everything and everyone. Done with feeling sad and heartbroken, angry and frustrated, helpless, like there’ll be no light ever again. Done with the feeling that you’re merely existing, just like plants are, like you’re not really living. Have you ever felt like you’re giving too much yet receiving nothing in return? Like you want[…] like you need the good so bad that you obsessively try to find it in everything and everyone even tough it’s never there. Have you ever felt like there’s no shred of love left in this world for you? Have you?? ‘Cause I do! These are all feelings that I have, all at once and at all times. I even dream about them and wake up in cold sweats, crying and screaming in terror. You know[…] I think… actually, I know: I’m quite ready for death, I yearn for its sweet embrace. I’m not suicidal! I believe suicide is an act of cowardness. I’m not a coward! I’m just so very tired…I need silence, I want the nothingness you see in my eyes, to be part of me, of my so-called life. I need it as much as a cancer patient on his death-bed needs his morphine. I’ve been carrying around so much pain and disappointment, such anguish, that it’s hurting me physically and I’m tired of it all. If you’d tell me I have one month left of this life, I’d probably ask if you were sure it’s not one or two weeks tops. I’d be relieved, I’d finally feel contempt. It’d be the best news I’d have gotten in a very long time.
– There you go Angela! Anger! There’s anger in your eyes. That’s the only proof I need to know that, deep down, you don’t mean any of the things you’ve said. You’re angry Angela, you’re angry at the world for what it has done to you, and it’s ok to be angry! Where there was emptiness when we begun today, now there’s fire burning. Good job Angela! Now that was an improvement.
– Please Dr., don’t punish me, don’t put me on the meds again. I just need it to be over, please… she cried out desperately.
– Now Angela, be a good girl and take your medicine. I’ll see you tomorrow at the same time.
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